#20 - The February Newsletter: Lessons from Heartbreak
I am grateful for the relationships that stay, and for those that don't work out. What is meant for us does not need to be forced.
Growing up, I’ve always had a pair of rose-tinted glasses when it came to romantic relationships and friendships. They were naive and happy-go-lucky, and I was always the kind of person that was quick to forgive and to trust.
And looking back, I actually don’t mind that.
I’d rather have been the person that was gentle within the heart than sceptical for the sake of it.
The year of 2023 brought about a lot of changes for me: I set better boundaries, stopped feeling the need to prove in relationships that weren’t meant for me, and let go of people that weren’t meant to be in my life.
It was a year that was exhausting, transformational, and just a little bit scary. At the core of it though, it was equally beautiful.
As someone who’s gone through a fair bit of heartache, I thought I’d reflect on some of the lessons I've learnt about relationships.
A gentle note to consider: whilst I’m talking about all kinds of relationships, the conversation probably does linger more on romantic relationships.
#1: A relationship is not worth losing your identity for.
I’ve been surprised how easy it is to slip into this. This is the notion that we can sacrifice bits and pieces of ourselves into any kind of relationship. And we do. Unknowingly or knowingly, we believe that if we mould ourselves into another version of ourselves we’ll be more accepted.
But baby girl, no relationship is worth losing your identity for.
Have you ever felt that tightness in your chest? Or feeling the heart pounding of walking on eggshells in your relationship?
A lack of safety and the inauthenticity of not being able to be yourself cannot be made up with love. Love is beautiful, no doubt, but it’s not enough.
I used to say 'Sadly, love isn't enough'. But it's not sad. It's not even about practicality.
You’re allowed to want your relationships to be strong and healthy, and in that space, there is more to a relationship than love. Think compatibility, communication, safety, respect, friendship, patience, and kindness.
And whilst this past year has put my self-love to the test, I can also say that…
#2: I'm grateful for the relationships that haven't worked out.
I’m honestly grateful.
You know how they say that there's learning in your relationships that don't last or work out?
It's actually true.
I am genuinely grateful for the relationships that don’t last. There has been heartache in the loss of friendship and romantic relationships, but I’ve recognised why some people haven’t stayed in my life.
They weren’t meant to.
Some relationships and friendships are seasonal and not meant to be in my entire story. In the same way, I won’t be given more than a chapter in someone else’s life, and that’s okay.
I’m grateful for the relationships that have been beautiful experiences and I’ve been able to learn more about myself; flaws, strengths and all. And I can only hope that I can offer the same to the relationships in some form.
But I am done chasing and proving to those beyond my capacity. As I have said in this post:
What is meant to be for us will be for us.
No forcing.
No changing.
No pulling.
I can no longer give up the authenticity towards myself.
To not be true to my heart feels like a disservice to myself. (See Point #1).
#3: I'm finally realising I do deserve kindness and respect.
I've realised a level of kindness and respect allows for communication to flow between two individuals in a healthy and loving manner. Love ebbs and flows; I've even seen kindness to an extent in heated moments can be tough to stick to, but respect?
Respect is basic.
To disrespect and dehumanise someone can be so incredibly traumatising.
No one deserves to be treated in that manner.
I’d read this in the past and I wish I had taken it seriously: Find someone who is kind to you, and respects you. More than anything else, love fades in and out in relationships, but at the end of it all if they’re a kind-hearted soul, that can go a long way.
Kindness and respect should never be compromised.
#4: I'm asking myself what is important to me.
I’ve experienced my fair share of romantic relationships and heartbreaks in my friendships throughout my 20s. Through it all I’ve learnt a bit more about myself and what I want, but more often than not in the past I’d - unknowingly and a tad unwillingly - adjusted my identity to what the other person desired and needed in the relationship. (Point #1 strikes again!).
It’s only in the last year or so that I’ve started asking myself, challenging myself even, and being honest with myself about what I want and need in my relationships. Because whilst a relationship is between two people, a healthy relationship adds that much more light and joy to your life when you’re honest about what you need.
It takes away the space for bitterness and resentment to form, because honesty is at the core of it.
And within that space, I’ve realised how important independence, kindness, and emotional maturity is for me.
#5: I'm asking myself what I can offer.
This actually feels just a bit scarier.
Asking myself what I can offer in a relationship requires me to take a deep dive into self-love - a journey that is difficult enough as it is - and see myself for who I am; beyond the layers of critical voices, belittling, and cynicism.
I’ve been in places in the past where I haven’t seen what I can offer to a relationship. I’ve fallen prey to imposter syndrome and self-sabotaging patterns, shrinking myself in my relationships in order to feel like I’m worthy of the love and affection.
And it’s come to my attention recently that not only do I not need to make myself smaller in relationships, but I refuse to do that any longer.
And the same goes for you.
You have so much to offer in a relationship; do not discount yourself.
Take that deep dive into self-love and healing, and allow yourself to flourish.
#6 - One relationship isn’t enough for all your needs.
So often we get carried away in the name of romantic love and we want to find someone we can place at the centre of our universe. (Honestly, the film industry doesn’t help with this as it pretty much propagates and glorifies this).
But it’s physically impossible for one individual to be able to share all our interests, values, political opinions, and more.
And that’s okay.
Part of this beautiful human experience that we get to cultivate involves us having different relationships in the form of family, love, friendships and experiences to fulfil all our wants and needs. Not to mention the importance of self-love; as much as we can acknowledge the challenge of it, our relationship with ourself and developing our self-love is an incredibly important relationship. (See Point #7).
Personally for me, I enjoy having deep friendships, spending time with myself and my family, and trying out new activities (I’m trying to say ‘Yes’ more in 2024!) all alongside a romantic partner. My romantic partner is just one person and I can’t personally imagine spending all my time with that person.
Questions that arise in my mind are:
How would I continue to grow as a person with them if I’m spending all my time with them?
What would I talk to them about, and how would we carry forward discussions if we didn’t spend time apart in our own experiences?
#7: I'm choosing to love myself.
One of my favourite quotes on self-love written my Taj Arora which I always come back to is one on self-love.
"Loving yourself is not the same as being in love - self-love is not the same as romantic love. Loving yourself is honouring your boundaries and not tolerating disrespect.
It's pushing past the fear that stands between you and your dreams.
Loving yourself is having the courage to leave situations and people that are not serving your growth.
Self-love is not something you feel, but rather something you do each day."
I didn't grow up knowing how to love myself and unfortunately self-love was equivalent to arrogance during my time growing up. It’s taken me a long time and excerpts like above to realise that it really isn’t arrogance or selfishness.
It is within the space of self-love that…
I take care of my own heart and pour love into myself when I’m hurting.
I grow as an individual.
I own my own power and decisions, which has led me to decide I’m going to live life wholeheartedly.
In choosing to love and choose myself, I feel like I come home.
What are some of the lessons from heartbreak you’ve learnt?
What would you like to share in this space?
I’d love to know.
I hope something in my piece today resonated for you.
And if my dear reader, you’re dealing with heartbreak, I really hope you’re finding ways to nurture and take care of your heart and move forward. Heartbreak is such a difficult space to be in.
With lots of love and sunshine,
Athira