#19 - Stepping into confidence.
A letter to my Imposter Syndrome and giving myself permission to take up space.
Last week, I had the opportunity to conduct my very first solo exhibition in Malawi, the country that I grew up in and place that I would call the closest to home. For those of you who don’t know this already, alongside my writing I’m also a landscape photographer, which also ironically enough all started given how stunning the country I grew up in is. You can see more pictures here of Malawi that I’ve taken, if you like.
I don’t think I could have imagined starting out in photography would have given me the opportunity to have my own exhibition in a gallery, and I still have a little bit of a surreal feeling when it comes to the experience of being able to showcase my photography.
Whilst I was growing up, my camera was always a means to create memories, and delegated to me in order to do so. I was fairly shy in front of the camera, hence being behind it felt like a safe space; it was a vantage point to capture the community around me in their moments of truth.
To freeze moments of them in their elements of confidence, comfort, awkwardness, and joy.
Yet yealising how important photography is to me wasn't some magical moment where I picked up the camera and I 'just knew.' There was no click within the heart, a filmy dream-like scene where I put the camera down and it felt like all the puzzle pieces fit into place.
Photography grew on me over time. There’s been a lot of practice and learning involved, and it’s been such a joyful experience seeing how I can make an image sparkle. From making memories, to making stories, my photographs are a way to the connect the world around me with my emotions and experiences.
I don't go anywhere without my camera, be it on my phone or my mirrorless.
So you can imagine the thrill of being able to print my beautiful images and showcase them to the community out here in Malawi.
But leading up to the big day, I’d been in denial. Not only was I in denial, but I was also falling into self-sabotaging patterns.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. When I first spoke to Muti from Logos Open Culture, the day after our conversation filled me with imposter syndrome and anxiety as well. And so last year I did what I do best: I wrote a letter.
More specifically, a letter to break up with my imposter syndrome.
And this was what allowed me to acknowledge that I needed to step into my own shoes - to take ownership and to feel more confident.
Hey Imposter Syndrome,
You’ve been in my life for a long time. I don’t even know how we got to be friends, although I guess it’s one of those friendships out of nostalgia. I thought you'd be good for me back in the day, and everyone says you’re good for people.
But honestly? I think it’s time we part ways.
Last night I wasn’t able to sleep because your voice in my head was so loud. Ever since I left Malawi, I’ve been on a rampage of cleaning and socialising and trying my best to not think about you, but it’s not working out.
You still find a way to maintain contact, and it’s only fuelling my anxious thoughts.
I’ve always had this sense of knowing you weren’t fully good for me, knowing you weren’t providing a sense of healthy stability in my life, but at the same time, not knowing how to say goodbye to you.
It doesn’t help that many others say that you aren’t that bad to have around.
I don’t think my inner circle of friends - where honestly? You don’t belong but somehow still manage to squeeze into - get it, because they don’t have to listen to your voice in the middle of the night or right before a really great opportunity.
If I talk to you about any of the successes in my life, you’re not celebrating with me. You don’t say “Let’s break out the champagne”; instead you tell me “How on earth did you deserve this?”
It’s not even asking; it’s not even a voice of wonder and curiosity.
Your voice is belittling and unkind.
I don’t feel great about seeing you on the sidelines, watching me fail instead of cheering me on. And yet you seem to enjoy it!
That’s not the kind of friend I want in my life.
And this voice is if I'm in a group scenario.
If I’m on my own? You know how I like to go out for coffee with a book in a quiet setting? I don’t know how you manage to find me - I’ve actually learnt to hide myself from you - but you pop up for a ‘quick conversation’, and somehow end up tearing me down.
It’s a little bit terrifying for me to put this out there, especially on a public platform, but…
I need to break up with you.
It's just not working out anymore. I know the line "It's not you, it's me", is so cliche, but it's actually true. Things have shifted for me, and I don't think you have a place in my life anymore.
…
Since we’re on the topic, and since I’m feeling a bit brave, I need to bring up something else that’s shifted, and that actually has to do with me calling you out on something that's been bothering me:
I know you don’t like my new friend Confidence. For some reason you think that she’s quite arrogant, but honestly?
Confidence is the friend I want in my life.
She’s hilarious, and willing to take risks, and she isn’t scared of putting herself out there, which inspires me to do the same (all the things that you don’t do). And I know that the real reason you actually don’t like her is because she’s starting to take up more space in my life, and that’s making you feel neglected.
Whilst I can empathise with feelings of loss and neglect, like I mentioned earlier, this isn’t about you Imposter Syndrome.
I’m moving on in my life, and I’m trying to make healthier decisions for myself.
If you were really my friend, you'd understand.
Confidence understands.
Thanks to Confidence, I know that I do deserve to live the best version of my life.
And the sad part is that you never supported me in that decision. You don't believe I deserve to live my best life.
On the note of new friendships, there’s another new friend as well who I’ve avoided introducing to you (purely because I’m scared; talk about a red flag!), and that’s Self-love.
Self-love is so kind to me. Self-love is the one telling me to not tolerate disrespect from anyone, especially from someone like you. And I’m shaking a little as I’m writing this, welling up with gratitude, but Self-love is the best friend I need right now. It was Self-love who suggested I write this break up letter to you and we part ways.
And since asking you to leave isn’t working (I have been so patient with you), I’m kicking you out.
You need to learn to be a better friend Imposter Syndrome.
Making people question their worth isn’t okay.
Putting people down isn’t okay.
Criticising people isn’t okay; don’t tell me it’s constructive criticism, it is not.
Even then, I know it isn’t going to be easy to get you to say goodbye. You’ve gotten very comfortable in my life, and there was a point in time where I felt very comfortable with you too.
I’m sorry it’s come to this, Imposter Syndrome. I hope you can take out some time for yourself and figure out who you really are, because I do think you can be better.
Everyone can be.
Now if you don’t mind (actually, I don’t think I care even if you do), I haven’t slept at night. I’ve got Self-love sitting next to me, actually holding my hand, and telling me to let you go, so that I can go back to sleep.
Please don’t pop back in for a ‘quick hello’; there really isn’t a place in my heart for you anymore.
-Athira
Breaking up with patterns and voices in your head that don’t belong there is really hard.
Yet whilst I can acknowledge that, I can also tell myself that I will do better because I deserve better.
As do you.
I hope you can find yourself in a place of confidence for your own life. And just as a gentle reminder, confidence is not arrogance. It is the trust and belief that you have in your own capabilities.
In case you needed permission: You’re allowed to be confident.
I hope that you feel so confident in your own skin that it radiates brightly from within the heart.
With lots of love and sunshine,
Athira