#47 - Finding out Where Home Is

It took me 10 years to leave a city I hated. I'm realising now my body knows where she feels at home the most.

Dec 22, 2024

It was 12 years ago that I last felt the intensity of this level of homesickness. I had just left for university in Dubai from the place I’d called home; Malawi where I’d been living at for 18 years. Dubai was supposed to be a short-term plan, in which I’d thereafter headed off to New Zealand for my Master’s, and even then the homesickness hadn’t been that bad.

I’m back in Dubai now for a short stint after having left at the beginning of the year. It’s been strange being back, and a little uneasy. There’s also been a lot of internal surprise now that I’ve moved, that I managed to stay for such a long period of time in a city like Dubai.

Truthfully, for those of you who love Dubai, I suggest you stop reading this post.

Because what will follow is a full blown truth of why I hate Dubai.

Looking back, I can’t believe it took me 10 years to leave. When I’d first come here for university, the plan was to stay for a year and then shift base to the UK (I was studying in a UK based university).

One year turned into 3, then maybe I thought I’ll leave in 5, and then it became a full decade.

I’d always told people I have a love-hate relationship with this shiny city. The lack of nature always got to me and there was an artificiality I could never get accustomed to.

The buildings were too tall and felt too polished. The greens of nature didn’t feel real. The blues in the skies felt too bright. Everything is so extra here, to quote a friend. And my body just genuinely didn’t feel at home here. Even being back for a short period has my body stressed, and she’s already asking me to head back to safer territory.

I have genuinely just been so drained with everything here.

Now looking back on the year and my burnout, it’s no wonder I’ve been so exhausted.

Even though I left a year ago…

I’d been trying to mould myself into a place I didn’t belong to for the last decade.

*A photograph of Dubai right before I left…* *January 2024.*

So why did I stay, you ask?

It was safe, to an extent. I felt like I could build a career, and I did. I had friends and family around. And for a long time it felt like this felt like it was enough.

I made it enough for myself for a long time, until it no longer became so.

And hey, I tried to leave. But somehow Dubai seemed to just be etched in my skin, and refused to let me go; like a tattoo you regret getting when you’re young and foolish. Like I mentioned earlier, I left after 3 years and escaped to New Zealand for a 1 year Master’s program; but it turned out to be exactly that.

An escape. And it had been a miserable one at that.

So coming back was a choice made out of comfort. It’s a choice I unfortunately do regret in spite of knowing that what followed has made me the person I am today.

*Confident badass that I am, I know that all my experiences have brought me here. But boy I can’t help but look back on some of my choices and legit cringe.*

It took me another 7 years to finally make the decision to leave. I still remember the feeling of being in a taxi in Bangalore in October of 2023 and how relieved my body had felt at finally making the choice to just say goodbye to Dubai.

It had felt scary to think I was leaving my comfort zone, and what’s followed in 2024 since then hasn’t been easy. But there’s no doubt I’d have it any other way. As challenging as the year has been, I can feel my energy replenish bit by bit since my move out.

I’ve moved to a new city now.

And day 1 of being away already has me homesick.

Bangalore is a chaotic and imperfect city. It’s loud and bustling. The traffic is awful. The weather is mostly amazing. There’s so much good food. The chai and vada pavs have to be given credit here.

There’s something about the people, the air, the food, the energy in Bangalore. I am energised by it all.

As everyone seems to say - and I’ve found to be true, as well - Bangalore is a vibe. There’s so much to do for the creative soul in me as well; I’ve already joined Ukelele classes and pottery is next on my list. I’ll be on the hunt for dance classes soon. And I just know that for now, this is the place for me.

Bangalore isn’t perfect, by any means. But for now, it feels like a great choice.

I’m also working towards accepting that it’s okay to find a place, a relationship, or a moment that feels great, and also understand the duality that it’s okay that these things don’t always last.

Bangalore may not be my permanent home, but it really is good to know I’ll be there for just a little bit longer. Having spent the last couple of months in the chaos, I don’t feel quite ready to leave just yet. And I suppose that’s a sign versus living in a city where your body is telling you to just leave.

I feel energised in Bangalore. It’s such a lively city and brings out an energy in me that people seem to assume I’m an extrovert. 🤓

Spoiler alert: I’m not.

For the introverts who are perceived as extroverts. I feel you.

I’m realising more and more this year that your body knows where it feels at home. The body just knows. The body knows comfort and discomfort. Joy and safety. The places and relationships that are meant for you, and those that aren’t.

And given how much my energy has been so replenished being in this chaotic city, there was little doubt to making the move, at least for the next year.

With this thought, it is my hope that in 2025 I continue to listen to my body.

A journal prompt:

Where does your body feel most energised?

Until next time, where I’ll be writing from a new city and renewed hope. The thought alone brings such joy to my heart.

With lots of love and sunshine,

-Athira

P.s. Have I mentioned that there are trees around Bangalore that just make you feel enveloped in the strength of their branches? There are so many trees for the nature lover in me.
This homesickness is all too real.