#8 - The November Newsletter: Living Life Wholeheartedly
As I turn 30 in less than a month I've been going inward.
Something’s shifted within me. I don’t know how to explain it, and I can’t pinpoint a magical moment when I felt my internal world shift, but something has definitely changed.
In less than a month I turn 30. In October alone, I have had the opportunity to travel, to see my therapist and say goodbye, to meet and connect with new people, and most of all…
To connect to myself and what’s important to me.
Looking to the future, one of the hardest decisions I’ve made a decision that feels imperative to make is one in moving from Dubai. I’ve been here for the last 10-12 years (on and off), and whilst most of my ‘adult’ years have formed here, it’s time for a change.
Unfortunately, without even realising it, I’ve been staying within my comfort zone and within that space, I’ve lost out on what’s important to me:
My writing.
Nature.
More wholesome relationships.
Slowing down.
Travelling.
Connecting with myself.
And as I look out my window and see the skyscrapers and the beautiful concrete jungle that is Dubai, I think to myself, this isn’t enough for me anymore.
At one point in time it was. I made peace with Dubai being enough. I compromised and adjusted and told myself to just be happy and not complain.
I lied to myself.
I told myself that it was enough that I was staying in a place that was safe, close to home, and where I could make a decent living.
The time has come that this is no longer enough.
I’m looking back in life as I turn 30. The time feels reflective of my early twenties and what life has been in the last decade or so. It’s these reflections that have allowed me to make the decision to leave Dubai, and seek what else the world has to offer.
Earlier in the week I had a chat with a friend of mine and I was reminded of one very simple and significant thing:
It’s my job to make me happy.
I have the power to take decisions to make myself happy and to add joyous things to my life, but I haven’t been doing it.
Call it fear, call it staying within my comfort zone, call it a lack of awareness of how unhappy I really was - heck, possibly even a combination of the 3. Either ways, my job of making myself happy is a serious one. And it’s one I intend to fulfil for the rest of my life.
Whilst relationships and experiences can and have added joy to my life, the only person who can truly and wholly make me happy… Is me.
Around about this time last year I wrote a letter to myself. Looking back at what I wrote, I’m oddly humbled and reminded of the fact that I’ve probably been a bit unkind to myself.
Staying in a place that hasn’t felt like home has been a disservice to my true self.
Dear Athira, 15-Oct 2022
I would like to write a promise to myself. But first off, just because this is something I would want to promise myself, does not mean in failing to do would so make me less worthy, if I’m unable to keep this promise.
I am human.
And I am allowed to make mistakes.
Compassion and kindness towards the self is the root of self-love. Combine this with ‘radical honesty', ‘positive habit building', and ‘unconditional self-acceptance' - This particular note from Yung Pueblo.
I would like to promise myself this:
I will treat myself with kindness as much as I can. I will choose to not judge my shortcomings, and hold my heart with tenderness and grace.
My relationship with myself is the most important one of all. I do not wish to be selfish or egoistic, but I do not wish to be disconnected from myself.
Not in the name of marriage.
Not in the name of work.
Not in the name of family.
I do not wish to betray myself, or to lose myself.
I promise to be my own home.
I promise to be as honest as possible with myself.
I promise to not judge myself, and be kind and compassionate to my body, heart, and soul.
With all my love,
The old me.
Part of living life wholeheartedly has involved stepping out of my comfort zone, and challenging my own internal voices.
Voices that have told me that I’m not good enough, and that I’ll never make it.
Voices that have shamed me for making mistakes.
Voices that have told me that I won’t have the courage to live a wholehearted life.
Living life wholeheartedly looks like choosing the path of self-love even when it’s hard.
Perhaps, especially when it’s hard.
Going back to my early twenties is both fascinating and saddening. I have so much compassion for the 20-something year old girl who was figuring out life and had no clue how to do it.
Every time I look back at a photo of myself from my early twenties, I’m struck by one main thing:
(I honestly don’t notice how thin or pretty I was… Which is what I heard a lot of at that age.)
All I see is sad eyes and a sad face.
Even beyond the biggest grin, I can’t unsee it. It’s almost unrecognisable; this long, sad face - a fact my many relatives commented on at a recent wedding, given the weight I’ve gained - but I look back and I think…
I don’t ever want to look like that again.
And what I mean by that is, I don’t ever want to be so intrinsically miserable that it shows so easily on my face.
As I look back at my photos I think, I look lifeless. My early twenties were anxiety-filled, people-pleasing, vain, and so, so unsure of herself. Slouched shoulders and so concerned about the external… I was so afraid.
It’s weird to look back at her and not recognise her. In the photos I see of myself where I do see a sparkle of joy I think, oh, but this girl was so tame (such as the photo on the right, from above).
She found it so easy to mould to other people’s expectations of her, that she didn’t know what her calling was.
She didn’t know the power she contained in just being herself.
And I think, oh you tame, tame girl. The world has no idea of the storm you’ll create.
I’ve got questions for my thirties. So many questions, curiosity, and excitement for life. There’s passion, zest and thrill for the year 2024!
One main question is:
What am I living for?
I suppose it’s in my upcoming travels and experiences in 2024 that I’m hoping to figure out the answer. To figure out what is truly important to me and what I’m living for.
A reminder for those courageous enough to walk the path of living life wholeheartedly:
It will be terrifying.
You will make mistakes.
You will be judged, scorned and laughed at.
People will be jealous. They will try to tear you down and they will fail.
People will tell you you can’t do it. They will be wrong.
Because none of this will matter.
At the end of the day, so long as you continue to build a home within yourself, walk the path of self-love with grace and fluidity (yes, even as you tumble and stumble),
You will live life ferociously and joyously.
If you’re struggling, I hope as you navigate your way through life’s many, many curves, you find a way back to yourself.
I hope you can see the light within you, and that you choose to live life wholeheartedly. There is beauty here, in the greys of this wholehearted life.
Would you like to share anything? I’m here to listen.
Sending you hugs, love and a bucket-load of sunshine,
Athira
P.s. Next week I’ve got a short and sweet read, in the format of a letter. If you don’t know it already, I love writing letters, so I’m looking forward to sharing this one with you guys soon. :)