#48 - I Feel Like A Fraud
Trying to figure out my own sense of self as I move to a new city, and the feelings of imposter syndrome that come with it.
To my little community here on Substack,
I’m figuring out moving to a new city and there are SO many feelings coming up here. If this resonates, uou can read more about these feelings that are coming up in my last piece.
If anyone has struggled in this space, I wouldn’t mind having shared experiences here, as I work through this season of change. ✨
I’ve moved to a new city. I’ve moved to a city in India. A city that I’ve come to adore, quite unexpectedly, and with warmth. How I’ve become fond of Bangalore is a surprise to me. But it’s a gentle surprise, and one I’m taking in stride because I’ve seen how Bangalore has rejuvenated my soul.
But even in this rejuvenation, I feel like a fraud.
There’s pain in admitting that I feel this way. In admitting that I don’t feel like I belong here. And I’m wondering where I’ll eventually feel like I’m home.
Malawi used to feel this way. This gorgeous landlocked country in South-Central Africa had always been a safe space for me.
My friends were there. My family was there. Everything familiar and comfortable that I knew felt right, was all there.
But - now especially - I feel like a fraud in Malawi, as well.
I have so much privilege. I don’t speak the local language. I feel like an outsider despite saying I’ve grown up in Malawi and that I’ve stayed in the same house for 18 years.
Despite knowing places in the locality decently well.
Despite understanding how the culture and people work.
In spite of all of this, I feel like I don’t belong in Malawi.
I’ve just come back to Bangalore. And I’m sitting here feeling the same way.
I’m here to set up a new home. To build a life here, even if it is for a short period of time, of which I do not even know.
I didn’t grow up in India, you see. I have barely begun to string together words in Hindi; Malayalam - the language my parents spoke - also being such a challenging feat to my tongue. Words in these languages feel tangled, and they refuse to come out for the fear of looking foolish. And in this entanglement, I am self-conscious and reminded that I am indeed an outsider.
I don’t have to care.
But the thing is, I look Indian. It’s so obvious in my skin tone and my features. At the very least, I look South Asian. And here I am living in India feeling like a total fraud! Wondering, what am I even doing here?
There’s this belief that I have to speak like an Indian. That I should know the languages and feel like I belong here, almost automatically.
And I don’t know what to do with these feelings.
I remember what it was like when I was in college, being teased that I came from the jungle and that I lived in huts, having come from Malawi. As jesting as it had been then, it was a reminder that I didn’t belong. That I hadn’t lived a ‘city life’. And Dubai and Malawi had been such a contrast, looking back, it’s no wonder that the culture shock had been as strong as it had been.
So this is where I am. Sitting and feeling like a total fraud. Feeling like I’m going to be excluded, feeling like it’s going to be so obvious that I don’t belong here. My accent when I speak English also gives it away, as it shifts depending on who I’m speaking to.
It’s so easy for me to pick up on another accent.
It’s almost as though my body is looking for a way to fit in; asking myself, is this the way that I can feel seen? Will speaking the same way as another allow me to be accepted?
There are so many questions lying in the depths of my heart as I grapple with this uncertainty. And I feel like I know the answers to them, but they aren’t coming to me.
So I tell myself, that this storm will pass. I tell myself, to trust the path that not only the Universe has chosen, but I have chosen.
I made a choice to move to Bangalore, and although it feels scary and I feel out of my depths, there was something in my intuition that guided me here.
This storm will pass. And I will take what comes my way this 2025.
With lots of love, sunshine and a ton of renewed strength,
Athira
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