#3 - Contemplating the Future
Reconsidering my roots as I travel within India for the first time.
I've never lived in India.
If you don't know me by now, one thing you now know is that I've never lived in India.
Sure, I’ve regularly visited as a child, but it was once a year for no more than a month or two at a time. I’ve also not traveled around India very much, aside from a wedding or meeting friends and family.
Growing up in Malawi, I didn’t know how to speak my mother tongue very well - Malayalam - for the better part of my time back home. It wasn't until I moved to Dubai for college that I actually started learning to speak it more, and that was purely because
A - I picked up the language from my classmates and made more trips to Kerala in India,
Or…
B - They made fun of me.
A lot.
It was in good spirit of course. :)
I didn't even speak Hindi until I started taking classes several weeks ago, a language I had all the words in my head for but the lack of knowledge of putting it together. The joy of learning it though has been indescribable and it feels powerful to be able to communicate in Hindi.
If my point hasn’t been made clear yet, it’s this: I’ve always felt like I’ve had very little connection to India. I have an Indian passport, these few visits, and brown skin that automatically associated me as ‘Indian’ in people’s eyes.
I recently visited Bangalore for the third time this year - a chaotic, mystical tree filled city, that has way too much traffic for anyone's liking. "But the weather's great", everyone nods their heads in agreement.
And yes, the weather is great, but there's something else about Bangalore that has me drawn to it.
It's a city that feels alive.
I've been in Dubai for the last 10 years, and whenever anyone asks me how much I like Dubai, I say it's a love-hate relationship and a matter of convenience.
- The winters are great in Dubai (for the 3 months it exists).
- I can easily travel to both Malawi and India.
- I've built a decent career for myself.
But even as I'm writing this, I know it isn’t enough. I’ve made it enough for the last 10 years, and there's a pitter patter of unease within my heart reminding me that my time in Dubai seems to be coming to an end.
But where do I go? What do I do? Starting over from scratch as a food and product photographer is no easy feat. As for the the question of ‘where’, the West was never attractive for me and it's important for me that I stay close to home and my family.
Like I said, I've never lived in India. I always had a struggle associating myself as "Indian", because I couldn't resonate with the societal expectations and culture that exists within these boundaries.
But I also realise I've been placing boundaries within my own mind, by not allowing myself to explore these roots.
What does it mean to be Indian? What does it mean to be an Indian woman?
And every question comes back to, ‘Who am I?’
I’m trying to get comfortable not knowing the answers, and be okay taking the time to figure this all out.
Traveling in and around Rajasthan - my first official holiday in India - has been so interesting for me. I don’t think even a year ago the person I was would have been excited at the prospect of traveling within India. Part of this was was a feeling that went back to “Will I feel safe when I travel?”, and the other reason was purely feeling out of place and disconnected from this country - which also felt attributed to not knowing Hindi.
It is more than understanding the local language though. Whilst learning Hindi feels like an advantage, this last year has allowed me to feel more comfortable in my skin and I’m able to own the person I am more. That’s more about my self-love journey and getting to know myself this year.
This comfort has opened up my walls and is allowing me to explore my roots.
Words that came to my mind earlier today. 👇🏽
There is an ache in my heart. A surprising heartache at the thought of leaving Bangalore.
I'm surprised because the city has really grown on me. Very quickly, Bangalore has captured my heart with its mystical trees, the chaotic traffic, blur of people rushing from one place to the other, and the weather - weather that feels like such a welcoming change from the heat and dryness of Dubai.
But it's not just this.
Bangalore feels alive. It feels alive with possibility, with a rush and adrenaline that I find lacking in the city I currently live in.
I've known for a while now that my time in Dubai is coming to an end, but I can't imagine leaving it because I'm scared of what that may mean.
Of what it may mean to leave a city I've gotten so comfortable in, and so attached to. Not emotionally, but mentally.
But there is no growth in the comfort zone.
And my time is, sadly, coming to an end.
I have all the ideas and possibilities of what I can do to make my upcoming year an interesting, fulfilling and beautiful one. But there's fear here. Fear of where I'd go, how I'd adjust and manage.
3 months in new places. 4 destinations. What would it be like to live in different places, away from my comfort zone, away from the familiar?
Lonely, I imagine (here, fear creeps in too).
But also exciting.
The possibility for growth feels seductive, but I don't want to lie to myself that it'll be easy.
"It'll only be as hard as you make it" - a voice pipes up from within. I sigh in agreement; the heart always speaks the truth.
So I let these thoughts settle and fight the pitter patter of my uneasy heart.
Here's to dreamy thoughts, future possibilities, and planning for a necessary change.
This is where I am. In this conflicted space within the heart, trying to figure out my next step and move.
And for someone who's lived 18 years in Malawi and another 10 (on and off) in Dubai, the prospect of moving does feel apprehensive.
A change is coming though; I can feel it. Like I mentioned above, there is no growth in the comfort zone and the stagnancy has been… Pulling me back.
~ May I find a place for my heart to feel at home, additional to my own body and mind, within nature. 🍃 ~
Dubai oru kochu keralam alley ??? 😂😂😂