#2 - The October Newsletter: 5 Learnings from 5 years in Therapy
Therapy wasn't easy, but I learnt so much.
Hello Sunday!
This is my first newsletter as promised. If you’re new here and want to learn a bit more about me - especially before I deep dive into my learnings from therapy - I totally get it. Here’s a little piece of me.
I’m a big advocate for therapy. Anyone who knows me well has heard me recommend ‘talk therapy’ as a way to connect to yourself, let go of the past, and heal from trauma.
I remember the first time I thought about going for a therapy consultation. Naive 23 year ol’ me fresh out of her Postgrad was so sure she was going to make it out in the world, and climb the corporate ladder of success.
My first job brought out all my people pleasing habits, and I overworked and overextended myself all in order to prove my worth as a competent employee.
Been there before?
Oh boy, was this a recipe for burnout. Looking back, I had no idea what was coming my way with work in a corporate setting. This feels especially true given that I'm now my own boss and freelancing in a creative career.
But reaching out to therapy wasn't actually related to that.
Yes, I was burning out. But I didn’t believe I was depressed. I wasn't suicidal either. (I'm only bringing these up because these are typical myths for going into therapy.)
Life just felt like a struggle, day in and day out.
Reaching out to a therapist was challenging in itself; I remember the January of that year when I’d contacted a clinic and the e-mail response I received just loomed over me. It was a shadow I couldn’t shake off with so many voices plaguing my mind.
Surely I can manage without therapy.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I haven’t really struggled in life.
And honestly, these voices persisted and gnawed at me even after I officially started seeing my therapist 2 months later. They harassed me for the years to come in fact.
It took me 5 years to get to where I am now, and it's from this space I want to share my learnings from my time in therapy. It is my hope that there's something here that inspires you, or resonates with you in your own healing journey.
#1 - Hard moments pass, even when it feels like the world is ending.
Trusting in the universe was something that I learnt over time.
I was taught in therapy that you can't compare one's pain to another; everyone's experience of it is their own experience. I learnt to not downplay my struggles and my feelings associated with it.
To sit in that internal space of judgement and not allow myself the grace to feel my feelings is something I now consider an act of unkindness towards myself.
Even up until a year or two ago, I can recall how easy it would be to get caught up in the depths of despair.
To feel like the pain was never-ending.
To be wrapped up in my own heartache and reactions so much, that I couldn't see the bigger picture.
I’ve now learnt that there is a bigger picture, more often than not.
#2 - My home is within my heart.
I don't remember how or when it happened, but being in my therapist’s office - a space that became so safe for me - just taught me to speak to myself with kindness and build on my self-love journey. It wasn't easy, and time and time again I wanted to fall back into old patterns and believe the critical voices within.
But my therapist taught me to reaffirm words of compassion and tenderness towards myself.
To speak to myself as I would to a friend.
Somewhere along the self-love journey, I began to trust myself and my own decisions. I began to be more gracious with myself in the mistakes that I made.
We all make mistakes; it’s unavoidable and it's human. Learning this and speaking to myself as a friend has meant I’ve been able to carve out the safety of a home within my own heart.
#3 - I learnt to love myself.
The younger version of me would never believe I could love myself the way I do now. Self-love and confidence was easily equated with arrogance when I was growing up. The idea that one should not boost their own ego meant I grew up with very little self-confidence, and was surrounded by a conflict of compliments and heavy criticism that confused me for the better part of my life.
Was I not allowed to be confident? To feel beautiful within my own skin?
Wasn’t I also told to be independent? Oh, but too independent and that’s a problem too.
I’m sure you’ve got your own voices that have been hard on you. Voices that you would never say to your best friend but spills easy into your aching heart.
I suppose in learning to treat myself like my own best friend is how I’ve learnt to love myself at the core of it.
What I would not say to her, I don’t say to myself.
It doesn’t mean I don’t hold myself accountable when I need to. Learning to be accountable as well as kind towards myself and the nuance of both together has been a journey in itself.
Suffice to say, my self-love journey has not been an easy one and anyone who’s on this journey knows how hard it is.
Part of it has been a process of going inward, and making choices - hard ones - to choose myself even when I don’t want to.
In the beginning, it felt selfish.
Boundaries felt selfish.
Taking time out for myself felt selfish.
Wanting to do things on my own felt selfish.
There are times it still does and I have to remind myself that I am allowed to do these things though. Going for a movie by myself, traveling alone, saying no, and standing up for myself…
This is self-love.
This is taking care of myself.
#4- You can’t pour from an empty cup.
I’m shaking my head as I’m writing this because the last several weeks have been incredibly busy, and I’m just realising that my cup has been pretty empty. (Point #5 will feel extra relevant here).
Unfortunately I'm still pushing myself, but on this last week's digital detox I'm realising how low my capacity has become. Staying off my phone and removing the obligation of needing to be there for my friends and loved ones has reminded me how much I need to be there for myself.
There have been more than several times these last few weeks, (perhaps months even), where I've caught myself irritable and frustrated, and of course I have been.
Because how can I pour love into others when I haven't been pouring love into myself?
Which leads me to my last point, and probably the most important.
#5 - Healing is an ongoing journey.
Not only is it ongoing, but everyone has a different journey with healing. And I don’t know how many times I have to keep reminding myself of this.
It’s humbling in all honesty.
Just recently I told a friend of mine that by January 2024 I was looking to have something sorted, and I realised it was because there’s this internal deadline of “Oh! That’s when I’ll be healed.”
But life doesn’t work out that way.
When I think of healing, I think of it as unlearning patterns. Generational patterns and cultural ones.
I see it as…
Becoming a better version of myself every day, or at least striving to.
Choosing to stay softer within my heart and remaining open, knowing I still may get hurt.
Learning to trust myself.
Even then, I can’t tell you the amount of times I believe I’m doing great only to find an old pattern come smacking me back in the face when I least expect it.
There are always deeper layers.
Our deeper layers allow ourselves to go inward further and treat our hearts with the tenderness, compassion and love it deserves. Yes, it’s a struggle and it’s painful, but these struggles within our journey doesn’t mean that we give up on our healing.
It doesn’t mean we give up on ourselves.
Because in healing, in choosing to heal, we are helping and loving ourselves, despite how painful the journey is.
And that in turn allows our relationships with our family, friends and loved ones to deepen and flourish further.
As an end note, I will say that it's taken me a long time to understand that therapy isn't for everyone.
And it’s still something I catch myself making the mistake of assuming. There are so many factors that make therapy challenging, including:
Affordability.
Availability of a good therapist.
Being open to therapy.
Honesty within yourself, which is really hard, much harder than one can realise.
Therapy is not easy. I remember before I’d even made my first appointment, I just assumed that I’d walk in, be there for 6 months all fixed, and walk out. It took me a while to realise that a therapist doesn't have all the answers, nor can they make decisions for you.
They can guide you to your own light though.
And we’ve all got a light inside of us.
I hope you can find your light, my dear reader. If it’s dim and you aren’t ready for therapy yet, or don’t want to even try it, that’s okay. I just hope that you have your community and tribe who you can reach out to and allow your light to flourish.
I can’t help but believe that healing does also come within our community.
But that’s a note for another day.
I hope you have a great week ahead! If any of this resonates, if you have any questions, or if you would like to share from your own experience, I’m here to listen.
With lots of love and sunshine,
Athira
Absolutely great 💪💪💪