#12 - The December Newsletter: I turned 30!
Reflecting on slowing down, my dreams and new beginnings.
I turned 30 this week.
Ever since I could make travel work for me, I’ve always stepped out of Dubai for my birthday. Or spent time with my friends and loved ones.
My 30th was the first time I was choosing to spend it alone.
I was in Mauritius the week of my birthday, a escape retreat that I needed but I didn’t know I’d needed.
It was soothing, to soak in the early morning sun and just watch the rippling gentle waves of the Indian ocean. And Oh My God is it blue. It’s stunningly blue; a vivid contrast against the green of the palm leaves, and an ocean blue just shimmering with temptation.
But I digress.
I’d been feeling apprehensive about turning 30 and I can’t even pinpoint what it was. I suppose I was afraid I’d be lonely, despite spending my birthday on this paradise island. And whilst it’s true that I love my solitude and I’m introverted, I couldn’t get rid of the apprehension.
When I woke up on my birthday though, I felt light.
I felt free.
And I realised that the apprehension had been in my head.
I had a truckload of wishes on the day, and I actually tried to spend time reading what people had wished for me.
What were they saying? What did it mean, for me?
For example…
My Dad talked about new beginnings.
My Aunt wished that all my dreams would come true.
And this thought came up quite often amongst my loved ones.
I’ve got so much love and support around me, and I’m so grateful that I could slow down and savour these wishes. But it also feels imperative to me that I sit and reflect on what’s actually being said.
As I commence another decade, I have questions for myself.
These are my questions that I’m going to try and answer. And I urge you, if you have the time, to sit and answer these for yourself as we step a month away from 2024.
1. What was the purpose of my trip?
Forget my expectations and my plans - and boy, did I have plans; to go scuba diving, to go kayaking, to explore every nook and corner of the island in my little red car I’d rented.
As it turns out though (after a tug of war within the heart) I realised I didn’t want to do anything that week.
I asked my heart if it was social anxiety that was contributing to this - a trait I’ve let go of but creeps up every now and again - but I got a resounding no as my response.
So what was it? Because amongst this anxiety I also noticed fear.
And genuinely, I mean this genuinely when I tell you, my heart told me she was afraid I wasn’t spending enough time with myself. Which was a bit of a stunner of a response. It honestly felt strange to me that that was what I was afraid of.
And I realised…
You can only run away from yourself for so long.
I wanted to just be with myself. Not by myself, but with myself. Because I love being with myself. I love doing things slowly, taking my morning slowly, feeling the sun on my skin, listening to the ocean waves.
I enjoy living life slowly.
One of my biggest realisations during my time away was that I no longer want excitement in my life. Not on a permanent record that is; I think fleeting moments of excitement are, well, exciting. Overall though, I’m seeking to keep the peace within my heart.
And I think I’m done hopping from one place to the next, looking for the next adventure.
I’m letting go of my constant need for movement, and choosing to be still. My time in Mauritius had been leaning into that. Leaning into just… Being.
‘Being’ can be hard.
Being, requires you to sit in the stillness.
Being, requires you to not distract yourself from your heart’s desires.
Being, requires you to be honest with yourself.
I cancelled on going scuba diving twice. The first time I thought, ‘Maybe later in the week’. By the second time around, I came to the realisation that I wanted to take things a little slower.
The moment I made that choice, my heart felt calmer, and my anxiety eased. There was gratitude that I had followed my inner compass; my own intuition.
Things of beauty I noticed on my birthday:
The wind swaying among the palm leaves.
A speedboat floating above the blue, blue Indian Ocean.
This vast, blue Indian Ocean, vibrant and vivid shades of blue.
And during these moments, I felt joy spinning within the heart.
There's a part of me wishing that I was the person that wanted to do more.
But that was me last year.
That was probably me even 6 months ago.
But now I just want to be.
I’m looking to sit still in moments and savour them wholeheartedly, instead of rushing from one thing to the next.
2. What are my dreams?
I have an extensive list of dreams. 😅
I want to travel and see new places.
I want to continue on my healing journey and the path of self-love.
I want to meet kind people; the sort of people that make your heart warm in their presence.
I want to keep writing.
I want to spend time with myself in nature.
I want to go back to national parks in Africa and just see more in the wild.
I want to keep loving my whole community wholeheartedly and fully.
These are aspects that I think will stay in my life as constant wants and dreams, and dreams that I’m hoping I can shift to reality over the course of my life.
3. What does a new beginning look like?
I know when some people thing of new beginnings, they think of life changes.
Life changes like:
Being a parent
Getting married or divorced
Getting a new job
Moving countries or cities
Buying a place for yourself
Off the top of my head, these were the conventional things that came up for me that would be considered new beginnings, amongst what I’m sure is an extensive list.
What does a new beginning look like for you?
Whilst those things can be true for me as well (especially as someone who is planning to move at the beginning of 2024), I’m taking life a little bit slower.
I’m content and at peace finding new beginnings in smaller things.
I’m realising that any moment in time can be a new beginning.
I used to see these social media posts talking about letting go of the previous day and allowing for a new day, and whilst it resonated I don’t think I fully understood it.
But now I do.
You have the power to shift your thought process into a new beginning.
You get to make the choice for when you want that to happen and how you want that to happen.
So whilst I’m sure that 2024 will be a new beginning in its own way, I’m hoping that I can continue to build up my self-love to choosing new beginnings when I want to, and when I feel ready to. Not bound by time or dramatic changes in life.
Our light within can give us the strength and power to make it through difficult times and start anew. ✨
My questions for you:
What are your dreams for the future?
What do new beginnings look like for you?
What does ‘ being’ look like for you? Is it uncomfortable for you to sit still?
Let me know below. I’d love to know what’s happening your end. :)
With lots of gratitude and sunshine,
Athira